You Should See What an Experienced Surgeon Can Do to a Woman's Pussy
The films of Martin Scorsese across genders and bodies
As far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a woman. (Cue “Rags to Riches” by Tony Bennett.) Growing up in the 2000s, this is how I understood my desire. Transgender, transsexual, cross-dressing, sex change — these concepts hovered around the culture as mere tabloid fodder. They were not aspirational. They were not ways to understand oneself. I was not a girl born in the wrong body. I was a boy. But I was a boy who didn’t understand other boys, who struggled to imagine a future where I’d become a man. When I considered a possible adulthood, only one label made sense to me: filmmaker.
In seeking inspiration for that chosen gender, I found a kindred spirit in Martin Scorsese. I’m not suggesting that being 5’4, asthmatic, and Catholic is the same as being a closeted transsexual, but I felt a connection with the way Scorsese seemed to be viewing masculinity from both outside and within. Among the male-dominated canon of mainstream cinema, his work held a unique sort of curiosity and critique. His films seemed to ask, why are men like this? And, more importantly, am I doomed to be like this too?
Scorsese talks about watching many of his favorite Italian films for the first time edited and dubbed on his small family TV. I watched many of his films for the first time under a similar compromise. Before I was allowed to see R-rated movies, I watched TV edits with the swear words erased and the violence dulled. But like those butchered Italian films, his cinema couldn’t be softened. I became obsessed with his films and the older films he’d recommend. I woke up in the middle of the night to watch poorly timed movies on cable and I begged my parents for DVDs of the deep cuts. When my dad said I couldn’t watch Taxi Driver until I was 14, I watched Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore instead. It wasn’t the violence or the cursing I wanted. It was the love of cinema. It was the portraits of people who felt like outsiders, who had desires they didn’t understand and ambitions they would do anything to achieve.
